Emotion Regulation Skills with Children

How sensory input can help your child gain control of their emotions

One of the most important and challenging aspects of parenting has to do with managing the emotions of our children. Big feelings with little coping skills. And we can often feel like we're coming up short in the skills department ourselves when we're sleepless, spread thin, or frustrated with day-to-day responsibility. Many of us were never taught techniques to manage our feelings, and even if you were, all of us want to hand our children the tools we need to help them cope through the moment.

What does emotion dysregulaton look like?

Signs that your toddler (ages 1-3) is dysregulated:

• long-lasting tantrums

• challenges calming child down with caregiver

• mood changes from happy to distressed happening quickly

• throwing objects, hitting, biting

• meltdown over small changes

• trouble with transitions (stopping playing, bedtime, bathtime, etc.)

• separation distress from caregiver, sibling, or object

• overstimulation to sensory input (texture, noise, lots of people)

Signs that your adolescent (ages 4-12) is dysregulated:

• frustration intolerance (giving up, emotional outbursts)

• verbal or physical aggression when upset

• inability to calm down independently

• challenges naming emotion and feelings when upset ("I don't know")

• acting without thinking (impulsivity)

• moodiness and persistent irritability

• avoidance behaviors (avoiding tasks, social interactions, school)

• stomachaches, headaches, other aches and pains

• interpersonal troubles as a result of emotional reactions

Signs that your teenager (ages 13-18) is dysregulated:

• prolonged emotional reactions in which moods last hours

• angry outbursts (yelling, breaking things, etc.)

• withdrawal or shutdown (avoiding communication, isolating)

• extreme sensitivity to rejection or criticism

• stomachaches, headaches, other aches and pains

• risk taking (substance use, reckless actions)

• interpersonal troubles as a result of emotional reactions

• chronic irritability, anger, numbness emotionally

• self-harm behavior or threats

Managing our own expectations

Children learn best from modeling and this starts with our own nervous system. Take some time to think about what situations elicit your own frustration, irritability, hurt, or other impactful emotions that can sway the way we respond in the moment. Now it's time to get to work on skills for your child. Here are a few expectations for you as you navigate which of the following skills could work for your child (or even you).

• Not every option will work. We all have preferences and that is true for your tiny human too.

• You might need to have them repeat the skill a few times for it to work.

• Monkey see monkey do- and you're one of those monkeys. Model what the skills looks like, coach them through it, and do it with them.

• All human brains struggle to manage the part of their brain that handles communication when they're dysregulated. Lead with action, not with words.

• The best time to practice is when emotional regulation is happening. Include skill development into play or intentional conversation so that fewer words are necessary to access skills.

  
  

Coping Skills: connecting back to the senses

Diaphragmatic Breathing: Most of our breathing is what we would consider chest breathing. But if we breathe from our diaphragm (belly breathing) we can use a little hack to hijack the part of our body in charge of calming us down, the parasympathetic nervous system. Have your child place their hand on their stomach or a book on their stomach while they lay down. Practice having them breathe in and out and feel their belly move up and down. Now encourage them to pause between taking a breath in, and before they exhale. For younger kids, a visual can help! Consider using your hand to trace up a finger for breathing in and down a finger for breathing out, outlining each finger until you get through all 5. Your child can do this too.

Cold: As Anxiety and OCD experts, this is one of our favorites. Ever taken a cold shower? Want to bet if you can stay angry when you're that cold? You're right, it's something pretty challenging to stay focused on with all that sensoy input on board. We recommend having your child holding or chewing on an ice cube, putting cold water on their wrists, drinking cold water, splashing cold water on their face - and yes, even a cold shower - to manage those emotions. When cold water is applied to the face in particular we're again tapping into the parasympathetic nervous system and activating our mamalian dive reflex, something that helps us stay calm in emergency situations. We're not suggesting you dump a bucket of cold water on your teenager's head (although we wouldn't blame you if you felt like you wanted to), but we are saying getting your child to connect to the cold sensations in and on their body when interacting with these temperature differences can be a powerful grounding technique.

Body movement: Sometimes the energy in our body needs somewhere to go. Consider playing with silly putty or play-doh, dancing it out, stomping feet, punching a pillow, running really fast, and pushing against something. You might find yourself shying away from physical actions if you're seeing aggression or other concerning behaviors which seem less controlled, but it's important to consider that channeling that to be productive and intentional rather than forbidding it could be an effective way to manage that internal energy and emotion. Younger kids especially love sensory toys and it can help them root themselves in the here-and-now rather than their feelings. Play-doh and silly putty are great mediums for this, as well as other fidgets. Older adolescents and teenagers might channel emotions into working out as well.

Smell: Even our children will have preferences with favorite smells. Something that reminds them of warm laundry, grandma's house, or maybe a favorite food - and these smells can be used intentionally to help calm your child. Choosing a prefered smell in a calm state and then introducing it during emotional dysregulation in the form of an unlit candle, stuffed animal with a certain smell, or smelling a food ingredient they like (think coffee, vanilla, etc.) could be an opportunity to ground themselves in the present moment. Coaching them through this by discussing how strong the smell seems to be, what it remind them of, and the breath traveling into their body are important elements to this coping skill.

Vestibular input: Remember when you rocked your child to sleep when they were a baby? This is what was at work all those sleep scarce nights trying to calm their nervous system down. While this refers to the movement system of our brain, it also includes the balance portion as well. Ways to provide this input include spinning in circles, rolling across the floor (stop, drop, and roll style), jumping in place and/or bouncing on a ball.

Let's get a grip

Do you know what's common for us to say as therapists? When it's your first time doing something we shouldn't expect to be good at it. We should expect that practice makes better and that we keep trying even when things get hard. Don't give up on trying to support your child with their big feelings. You might feel like you're not helping them the right way if it doesn't work right away. Their behavior can feel so absolutely personal and dysregulating as parents, however, that you continue to try to show up for them (in this and all the other ways) is what they will take away from the relationship. Emotion regulation starts with our own nervous system, so try some of these out for yourself, try them with your child, and find what works for your family.

If you or your child feel you could benefit from the additional support of a therapist, please do not hesitate to reach out to our exceptionally qualified team of specialized therapists.